Have you ever spoken up about being hurt; only to be:
- told it never happened,
- attacked for bringing it up, and then
- accused of being the real abuser? This manipulative pattern has a name: DARVO. Understanding it can help you stay grounded in truth when someone tries to flip the script.
When we call out harmful behaviour, the response we receive can either open the door to repair, or deepen the wound. Some people, especially those invested in control, rely on a psychological tactic called DARVO. The acronym, coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, stands for:
• Deny: Refuse to acknowledge the behaviour.
• Attack: Undermine the credibility of the person naming the harm.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: Cast themselves as the injured party and the real victim as the aggressor.
This sequence often leaves survivors disoriented. It creates doubt not only in the victim’s mind but also in the eyes of bystanders who witness the exchange.
A Common Example
Imagine you tell a partner: “It hurt me when you insulted me in front of friends.”
• They reply: “That never happened” (Deny).
• Then: “You’re so sensitive, always twisting things” (Attack).
• Finally: “You’re the one embarrassing me all the time. I’m the one suffering here” (Reverse Victim and Offender).
The result? The original harm is buried under confusion, guilt, and misplaced blame.
Why DARVO Works
DARVO preys on social dynamics. Most of us want to believe people are basically good. When someone confidently denies wrongdoing and paints themselves as the victim, it can seem convincing, especially if the true victim is emotional, shaken, or struggling to articulate their experience.
Institutions also use DARVO: corporations, religious organizations, or governments accused of wrongdoing may deny allegations, attack whistleblowers, and claim they are being unfairly targeted.
Warning Signs
• The conversation shifts away from the original harm.
• You suddenly feel like you’re defending yourself rather than naming what happened.
• The person’s self-presentation as “the real victim” seems rehearsed or exaggerated.
How to Respond
1. Name the tactic. If safe, calmly say, “This feels like DARVO: denial, attack, and reversal.” Naming it can deflate its power.
2. Document and ground. Write down your memory of events while fresh. Return to trusted friends or professionals for perspective.
3. Hold your centre. Remind yourself: the fact that someone denies your truth does not erase it.
4. Seek safe witnesses. Conversations with neutral third parties, mediators, or counsellors can cut through manipulation.
5. Know when to disengage. Sometimes the healthiest move is stepping back rather than getting trapped in a circular argument.
Turning Knowledge into Empowerment
Recognizing DARVO doesn’t erase the sting of being dismissed or attacked. But naming it makes it less painful over time. Once we understand that we are being gaslit, we stop contorting ourselves to meet unreasonable demands. The confusion lifts, and we can stand more firmly in our own truth. When we share this knowledge, we strengthen our collective ability to see through manipulation and support one another in demanding accountability.
Here are some questions to ponder. Feel free to respond in the comments:
• Have you ever recognized DARVO at play in your own life, or witnessed it in a larger system? What helped you see it clearly?
• When you notice someone denying, attacking, and reversing blame, how do you stay grounded in your truth?
• What strategies or insights have helped you resist manipulation and reclaim your clarity? Your voice might support someone else.